Life is not fair but I take what I can get

I took a small break from writing due to the unexpected passing of my dad.  This is more of a rambling as I have been writing my feelings as much as I can in whatever is handy. Its good to get them out. That's what all the shrinks say... right?

To be honest my relationship with my father was odd, with many ups and downs. But, I am a firm believer in forgiveness and positive energy so thankfully we were on the up side of our relationship. I have been struggling a bit with the sadness, which I guess is to be expected (obvious sarcasm). My father has been prepping me for this day from a young age, but of course when it actually happens the loss is still there. I have had some tears, mostly for myself (my father had given me strict instructions I was not allowed to cry for him, that death happens and that he had a good long life....I hardly feel 62 is long. And in case you are wondering, no not a military man, just a straight forward one). I cry mostly at night, or if I have succumbed to some silence and I give myself time to think in my head. I avoid this as much as I can. I love crying for my TV dramas and dog commercials as they feel like a release, but with this, it just feels like when you turn on the faucet and you let water drip. It comes out but painfully slow. Will I cry forever? Depends on the timing I guess. 

Sometimes it feels like there is a vice around my gut, my lungs and my heart. Like choking on a hairball. Just thinking about it now speeds up my heart rate and I feel panicked. I have lots of old voice mails from my dad. Plus the i-phone even lets you see your deleted ones. I can't bring myself to listen to them. That will force me to acknowledge this is not just a momentary glitch in life but a permanent event. I know how to handle prolonged silence from my dad. I refuse to believe it is permanent. There are always dreams right? Afterlife? Reincarnation? Guardian Angels? Something? At least there are pictures. Pictures are incredibly comforting as they are a snapshot of memories I can go back on whenever I choose.

Lets change course please.

Last week food was an effort. Since I normally make most everything I eat, I wasn't doing much eating.  I am still numb so my joys in the kitchen are sedated for the time being (update: since starting this post this morning I made a delicious pizza tonight which make my heart a bit happy). But, with a couple recent visits to NYC I do have some stories to share.  I might bring up my feelings again soon. Maybe not. Better chance of that then that beach body picture showing my work out progress (which has stalled out for obvious reasons).